Jaws

(FN: This report was filed in June of 2007, and while perhaps not timely, the advice and information contained herein should be kept in mind at all times.)

Well, it's that time of year again, when Oregonians are drawn by heat and habit to the great watery places in the state. But be careful, as there is a danger in our rivers, pools, and oceans that goes unnoticed and ignored -- the danger of shark attack. Yes, every year at least 14,000 Oregonians from all over the state suffer from molestation by these frightful and vicious creatures, and in every case, it goes unreported or is buried so deep in the official reports that the ordinary citizen never sees and remains dangerously ignorant of this extremely important information. But through years of research and determined digging through official records (mostly unlabeled, often "lost," and usually stored in inconvenient locations), this reporter has managed to uncover the truth about Oregon's biggest dirty little secret. This reporter wants no accolades, no rewards, no journalistic recognition or prize -- just knowing he may have saved a life is compensation enough for the countless hours of painstaking work that went into this report.

First, the reader should be aware of certain facts about sharks which the American Oceanographic Institute (now a division of Dow Chemical, and sharing funding with the Food and Drug Administration) has collected over the years without publishing its findings in fear that the revenue lost to coastal towns and the state and federal governments which tax them will come out of their own bloated and inefficient budget. And not only coastal towns, as you will see, but any town with a water source. To wit:

1. A shark of any size is able to swim in up to three inches of water, and will attack a human standing on the very edge of the water line at the shore. Couples deep in the trance of romantic beach walks are particularly susceptible to attack, as the heady mixture of pheromones exuded by said couples at such times can carry through water and attract a shark from as far as ten miles out to sea. An incident discovered by this reporter from eleven years ago at the Oregon coast near Newport involved a twenty-five foot, three-ton Great White shark swimming at approximately seventeen knots launching itself onto shore from a shallow spot on the coast in low tide to fully consume an elderly couple, a Mr. and Mrs. Jack Handly of Boring, OR, in one massive gulp. The couple were consumed whole as the shark flew straight into the air, performed a full gainer, and landed mouth downward on top of the shocked and immobile couple. After consuming them whole, swallowing them without even bothering to chew, the Great White slid innocuously back into the ocean, never to be found by the very clandestine search conducted by three crab fisherman over the course of twelve minutes in a shallow cove seven miles south of where the incident occurred.

2. Sharks can swim from salt water into fresh water without any effect to their oxygenating process. Last year, a group of three Mako sharks, each a full twelve feet and one-half ton, swam as far as the Deschutes river and attacked a group of Slovakian tourists on a day trip down the placid parts of that stretch of water. A river guide not connected with the incident reports hearing screaming somewhere up river, then saw the severed hand, still wearing his Russian-manufacture watch and reportedly also still holding his camera, which has since been "lost," floating past his raft full of drunken tourists from The Dalles. The tourists reported seeing nothing, and the guide is no longer employed by the rafting company, Safety First Water Adventure Fun Time Rafting Co., and when asked about his present whereabouts, this reported was treated rather surlily and asked to remove his person from their shop before his person was removed for him. Later that month, the incident was reported on Slovakian television, but viewers in the states who manage to get overseas broadcasts through satellite networks were treated to a five-minute black-out of news during the state-run nightly news show. A visual graphic of a vaguely Soviet-era farmer looking at a smoking tractor and scratching his head was shown on the screen with the legend (in Slovakian) written underneath: "We are experiencing technical difficulties." When the news program returned, the viewer found himself in the middle of a seven-hour talk show/diatribe about the legislative mistakes made during the Milosevic era, interspersed with live footage from the country's annual "Enroll Your Children in the Army" celebration. The "technical difficulties" were never explained, and, due perhaps to problems in translation, this reported could gather no information about that curious and somewhat sinister incident, which leads him to believe that the problem was not on the Slovakian side, but the American side.

3. Sharks of any size are also able to swim into fresh-water rivers running through major metropolitan areas, and, due to the incredible malleability of their bodies, are able to infiltrate water systems, no matter how secure the grills are that separate the pipe entrance from the water supply, which gives them access to any body of water connected by pipe to the city water supply outlets. This means that a shark of any size has access to any public or private pool, hot tub, jacuzzi, or toilet in the greater metropolitan area. This reporter urges extreme caution when using said facilities, as one is rarely cautious when swimming or going to the bathroom. Constant vigilance, as well as a particular hovering stance over any public or private toilet, may help to save your life. Of particular note is this incident: a small Estacada boy of twelve years old, whose name cannot be mentioned due to his status as a minor, was washing his hands before bed when the head of a nurse shark squeezed through the tap nozzle and bit off four of the fingers on his left hand. When the hospital made its report, it listed "virulent reaction to Lava soap" as the reason for the dedigitation. Lava soap, in a lawsuit, caused the report to be amended to "Extreme carelessness in the use of particularly strong pressure techniques while squeezing soapy fingers, which in no way implicates the soap manufacturer or any of its subsidiaries or parent corporations, and makes them immune to any damages resulting from the improper use of a product proven safe by the Food and Drug Administration [who, the attentive reader will recall, is sharing budgetary funds with the American Oceanographic Institute]." The doctor who filed the report is now working in Africa with a government-sponsored volunteer group called "Doctors Impressed into Medical Service," or DIMS.

4. Sharks are drawn particularly to white, shiny objects, and tend to inhabit the coastal and inland waters of Oregon especially during the summer months as thousands of pasty, sun-deprived Oregonians rush to the beaches to get any sun they can during the two months of the year when this is a possibility. Note: salon tanning will not be particularly helpful in alleviating this danger, as sharks are also attracted to the smell of cooked meat, which pheromone is very similar to the one given off by humans with sunburn or those who have recently spent time in the high-density ultraviolet atmosphere of the tanning salon.

These are merely a few of the dangers associated with sharks in the waters in and around the state. Please exercise extreme caution this summer when attending any water-related activity. This reporter cannot stress enough the dangers present in the briny deep (and not-so-deep) awaiting unsuspecting bathers, swimmers, and vacationers.