Jaws II

This reporter feels it has been a great dereliction of duty to provide a warning about the imminence of shark attack without providing any clues as to the defense against it. In order to correct this oversight, during which at least seventeen people have fallen prey to the world's greatest predator (only the Mossad comes close to sharks in their efficiency at killing), this reporter offers the following self-defense techniques against such attacks, along with their benefits and detriments, so that the reader can choose (if calm enough in the moment to make such decisions) among the various techniques:

1. If a shark is spotted while you are swimming in water deeper than your own height, immediately drop beneath the surface, fill your lungs with water, and sink to the bottom of the body of water you happen to be in. Hold the water in your lungs until all bodily movement stops due to unconscious. Sharks will not attack and eat a perfectly still animal, and many fish -- bottom feeders mostly -- avoid attack with this technique.

Advantages: Avoidance of the pain of shark bite and rent flesh.

Disadvantages: Drowning.

2. If a shark is spotted coming toward you in water of any depth, punch the shark squarely on the tip of the nose. This will cause the shark to get mad, and anger momentarily disrupts its single-minded attempt to feed. This may give you the necessary amount of time to leave the water, or at least for most of you to leave the water.

Advantages: You get to punch a shark and show it who's boss, if only for a moment.

Disadvantages: Permanent loss of limbs,usually the legs. Heavy bleeding.

3. If a shark is spotted in your vicinity, beat the water furiously and scream at the top of your lungs, or perhaps sing off-key heavy metal songs of the two-chord variety. This may serve to cause the shark to think that it has confronted an enemy too powerful for it, or to think that it has confronted a victim of white trash origins, which sharks find particularly unsavory.

Advantages: Possible, though not probable, escape.

Disadvantages: You will be heard by other humans, shunned and ridiculed for your liking of heavy metal music and your inclination to sing it in public, gain a reputation as a white trash individual, and in all probability the shark will attack you anyway. Sharks hate heavy metal and are in most cases attracted, not repelled, by splashing. This may be your least effective tactic.

4. A shark is spotted near you but is circling only, not immediately attacking. Use your cell phone to call the shore patrol to come out in a really big boat and either chase the shark away or blow it up with a vast quantity of C-4.

Advantages: Survival.

Disadvantages: Possible inclusion in the C-4 blast, as well as the fact that there is only the slimmest of chances that you will have a cell phone while in the water, or that your coverage will extend even one foot off shore. Most plans do not consider the sea to be viable territory for cell phone coverage. Consult your carrier for more information.

5. A shark is coming straight towards you in any depth of water with the obvious intent of attacking you. Close your eyes, turn around three times and click your heels, saying "There's no place like home, there's no place like home."

Advantages: Fond childhood memories of the Wizard of Oz may replace the fear of imminent death.

Disadvantages: Imminent death.

This reporter hopes that these tips will help any water lovers when confronted with the terrifying reality of shark attack. Of course, they are not guaranteed, and this reporter makes no claims as to their efficacy. As in all things, exercise extreme caution at all times.